Denial of Service

News Posted on

*Outside of the Gaylord Resort, a funeral is about to begin for the death of Ajit Pai, snapped away from existence after his major loss against Thanos. John Notwoodman and Luigi are finishing up the preparations as the only few attendants arrive.*
John

You know, this is a pretty quality graveyard. It reminds me, there’s this auction I’ve been bidding in for a spooky mansion out in the woods, but apparently it doesn’t come pre-haunted! Can you believe that? But now that I’m looking at this graveyard, I’m willing to bet if I bought the place and shook the corpses out into the mansion, they’d haunt the place right up! Then I could probably build something over the vacant lot, I don’t know, it’s alright real-estate. What do you think?

Luigi

W-w-w-w-WHAT?! One of our guests just DIED! On my property! And you’re thinking about buying haunted mansions?! Why would you want to deal with ghosts, are you CRAZY?! Ohhhh, I knew this-a tournament was a bad idea...

*As Luigi continues his panicked sputtering at the tournament host’s hijinks, the sound of low-quality mariachi music can be heard nearby, along with the smell of garlic.*
Waluigi

WEHEHE! Come get your tacos! Show your respect for the dead! Eat up!

Wario

COME GET YOUR FREE* MERCH HERE! Wahaha! Reese’s mugs, fidget spinners, toy lightsabers, Nerf guns! You want it? We got it! WAHAHA!

*Over at the service’s improvised seating arrangements, one of the members of Off the Hook takes notice of the unauthorized catering.*
Pearl

Ayo, ‘Rina! I’d actually kill for a taco right now, can you go grab me one?

Marina

Sure thing, Pearlie~! Do you want anything, Glenna?

*Glenna looks up from her Game Boy in a daze.*
Glenna

Whuh- Huh? Where are we again?

*Soon enough, all the attendants settle down in their seats, and the funeral service properly begins.*
John

We are gathered here today, to celebrate the death of- wait no, hold on.

*John Notwoodman quickly shuffles through his notes.*
John

We are gathered here today, to MOURN the death of Ajit Pai, the chairman of the FCC. Pai was... Uhhhh...

*Again, John shuffles through his notes, only to find that all of the rest of the pages are completely blank.*
John

Alright, well uh, let’s get started I guess. Who wants to speak first?

*Pitbull gets up from his seat, and walks up to the podium.*
Pitbull

Mr. 305 on the mic, mic check. Can y’all hear me?

*Pitbull taps the mic, causing a loud screeching sound to echo through the graveyard. Everybody seated winces and covers their ears.*
Pitbull

Woah, sorry about that everyone. Mr. Worldwide apologizes, didn’t mean to disrespect, you know what I’m saying?

*The attendants stay silent.*
Pitbull

Anyway... a man died today. No matter how people around the globe thought about Ajit, he was still a human being. Like you and I, or well...some of us. It’s important for us to pay respects, he died for this tournament, so we gotta continue to do our best to live our lives to the fullest. I hope you all keep on trying your hardest out there, and keep Mr. Pai in our thoughts whenever you make your music. Like he’s still in the mix, even if he’s not here to hear it.

*A few people shuffle awkwardly in their seats, a few others rub their shoulders shamefully...*
Pitbull

Well, that’s all I got for you folks. Keep it real for me, okay? EEEEEYYYYYYOOOOOOO-

*The microphone produces an even louder screeching sound than before. Again, everyone in the crowd covers their ears in unison, this time making audible sounds of protest.*
Pitbull

Whoops, sorry everyone! Mr. 305, out.

*Pitbull takes his leave, as another contestant steps up to say some words.*
Weird Al Yankovic

Oh, Ajit. You sure were a silly little prankster. Y’know, one time, he pulled down my pants in the lobby and started taking pictures. Sent them to everyone in the hotel. There was also the time where he dumped toxic waste on my lawn, or those wacky prank phone calls from midnight to dawn, what a crazy kid he was, always foolin’ around. Boy, what a joker, what a funny, funny guy! I’ll never forget about Larry, no matter... Wait, I’m sorry, who was I talking about again?

King Dedede

GET OFFA THE STAGE, WEIRDO!

*Al nervously walks off, handing the mic to Will Smith.*
Will Smith

What can you say about Ajit Pai?

*A few moments of silence pass among the crowd.*
Will Smith

What the heck can you say about Ajit Pai?

*The silence lingers.*
Will Smith

Okay, somebody bury this.

*Will hurriedly walks off back to his seat, leaving the podium empty. When nobody comes forward to say anything, Luigi walks up.*
Luigi

U-Um, it uh, says-a here that a Mr. ZUN wanted to say a few words? Is there a ZUN here?

*Everybody in the crowd looks towards the back of the seating arrangements, where ZUN is somehow taking up four seats, fully asleep in a drunken stupor, clutching various Reeses mugs filled with alcohol.*
Unregistered HyperCam 2

ill g0.

*Hypercam waddles up to the pedestal, and bounces up to the mic.*
Unregistered HyperCam 2

aj1t pie wanted 2... help, tha internet. in his 0wn way. i didnt liek dat way. but he...wnted companys 2 be moar succesful ig. wich... honstly sux. sry. i dont think i can say anythig nice abt him. aj1t waz a troll, we shuldnt b nice 2 trols. sry he died tho. thx 4 listenin to my eulogy plz r8 5 stars.

Thanos

Well spoken, little one.

*The crowd erupts into gasps of terror, as Thanos suddenly appears and walks up to the podium, Hypercam scurrying away quickly.*
Thanos

You may be a bit surprised to see me show up on this occasion, but I figured you all wanted to know if I regret what I’ve done. To that I say, no. I don’t care. Not even a little bit. In my conquest to balance the universe, I’ve come to realize that the true balance we need is getting rid of people like him. Ajit Pai was pathetic, and the fact he thought he could stand up to me was the final nail in his soon-to-be-coffin. I hope they don’t remember him. He was nothing but a pest, one that needed to be stomped on. I did you all a favor, you can have your little entertainment while it lasts. Savor it.

*With that, Thanos closes his fist and teleports away, leaving the attendants in stunned silence.*
DJ Professor K

So... y’all wanna go get somethin’ to eat?

*Everyone: "Yes."*
*Later that night, back at the graveyard, a duo of shadowy figures stalk their way to Ajit Pai’s grave...*
FCC Agent #1

Alright, the coast is clear. Let’s get back what remains of the boss.

FCC Agent #2

You sure this’ll work? The project the lab boys are proposing seems a bit too ambitious for... well, him.

FCC Agent #1

Yeah, well, slim pickings. It’s either him or Gerald from accounting.

FCC Agent #2

...Fair enough, fuck Gerald.

FCC Agent #1

You brought your shovel, right?

FCC Agent #2

Yep, let’s get to diggin’.

*A loud clap of thunder reverberates from the night sky, as lightning shoots across the horizon...*