Default Danse Macabre


*6:00 AM. Reggie Fils-Aime is on the phone with Bill in the Gaylord Lobby.*
Bill Trinen

Reggie, you sure you wanna do this?! I saw what happened last round with him. I don’t think we have it in the budget this year for our COO to be turned to dust!

Reggie Fils-Aimé

It’s okay, Bill. I’m sure Nintendo’s loyal fans will make the right choice.

Bill Trinen

Well, at the very least, you’re more charismatic than the *last* CEO Thanos fought against.

Reggie Fils-Aimé

Besides, I’ve got someone on the inside to deal with Thanos’ little gauntlet. He’s no stranger to collecting valuable gold objects, plus he owes me after I got his game on the Switch.

*Just then, Thanos and his minions enter the lobby, bringing along a short figure tied-up with a bag over his head.*
Raven

We found your little spy!

*Raven grabs the bag off of the figure’s head, revealing a Toad in a Headlamp.*
Captain Toad

Reggie, I’m sorry! I tried, but this guy’s bad!

Reggie Fils-Aimé

...Y’know, it’s my own fault for trusting someone who can’t even jump.

Thanos

You ask someone to help you cheat. Your cowardice surprises me.

Reggie Fils-Aimé

Hey, I just want a fair fight! No items!

Thanos

Well, if it’s a battle you want, I think we have a mutual arena in which to fight.

*Raven pulls out a Nintendo Switch from his cloak and hands it over to Thanos.*
Raven

Please, try to be gentle with it this time?

Thanos

I make no promises.

*Reggie looks into Thanos’s eyes. He knows which game he’s about to select, and is ready too. Reggie pulls out his own Switch, and the two simultaneously boot up Fortnite: Battle Royale.*
Reggie Fils-Aimé

Alright, just gotta...ugh, no connection.

Thanos

No luck on my end either.

Reggie Fils-Aimé

I swear, the Wi-Fi at this hotel...

Thanos

You have no room to talk, what with your company’s history.

*The two continue to fight the Gaylord’s internet connection, before finally getting matched to a server.*
Thanos

Alright, if you win the battle, I shall spare your mushroom underling. Otherwise, he’ll meet the same fate as half of the universe.

*Reggie looks confident.*
Reggie Fils-Aimé

Alright, deal. Better get on the battle bus, big guy!

*And they’re off! While the two are heavily invested in the battle, Thanos’s minions converse with their victim.*
Raven

I’m sorry, but your boss doesn’t stand a chance. Our guy’s known this game his entire life.

Captain Toad

That’s where you’re wrong! Reggie’s about taking names and kicking... w-well, you get the point! He knows games more than anyone, he’ll win this one for sure!

Raven

You don’t understand. Thanos is quite literally *from* this game.

Captain Toad

...Wait, he is? But I thought he was an alien!

Raven

In a way, he is. But he wasn’t always this way. Up until last season, he was actually just our squad leader. Our... friend. All of us here looked up to him...

*Raven feels a chill down his spine from a mere memory.*
Raven

But all that changed when the Infinity Gauntlet landed on the island... Since then, he hasn’t been his old self.

*Raven whispers to himself.*
Raven

What the hell happened to you, Jonesy?

*Captain Toad looks in confusion at the brooding Raven, and takes notice of the nearby Reaper and Cuddle Team Leader looking away in mourning.*
Reaper

Camaraderie does not mean very much when it is easy.

*Back in the battle, Thanos and Reggie have outlasted almost all of the others in the royale. It’s coming down to just the dueling rivals.*
Reggie Fils-Aimé

Found you!

Thanos

And thus, your destiny arrives. You’ve done well to survive this long, but this will be-

*BANG! BANG! BANG!*
Reggie Fils-Aimé

And that’s the game!

*Indeed, Reggie has hit Thanos from a distance with help from his Heavy Sniper Rifle.*
Thanos

...Defeat. I see. Very well, your friend lives to see another day. But the real battle will begin shortly, after all.

Reggie Fils-Aimé

Yeah, and I’m gonna kick your ass in the polls!

Thanos

Do not let your arrogance get the best of you. Even if you think you’ve won...

*Reggie hears gunshots. One other player was hiding on the map, and just shot down Reggie in the game, stealing the battle royale for themself!*
Reggie Fils-Aimé

...Wait, who’s “CarltonNoE”?

*In another part of the lobby, an excited scream bursts out.*
Carlton

YEEEAAAAH!

*Carlton breaks out into his famous dance!*
Thanos

...you should watch your head.

*Thanos exits the Gaylord lobby with his minions in tow, as Reggie unties Captain Toad.*
Captain Toad

So, uh... I guess that sequel we were talking about is out of the question?

Reggie Fils-Aimé

Go home, Cap.